posts that should have been up. haha. not dated, but in chronological order. laptop got net!

I have arrived!

Hmmm. Usually I tend to fall sick towards the end of my India trip, but to my amazement and irritation (and to the irritation of the guy witting next to me in the plane), the sneezing fits began when I left my house in S’pore. Maybe my house (and especially my room, there are cobwebs growing under my deskchair) was exceptionally dusty due to my mum being out of country and thus my akka spending her time happily chatting on the phone or watching tv, but the extreme nose blowing and sneezing started again at the airport and continued (much to my horror) throughout the plane ride. And. I didn’t have enough tissue! Yuck. And stuck in that cramped seat with all my germs floating around me is not a pleasant experience. And on top of that, the weather that greeted me when I arrived at Hyderabad international airport was not very fun. It was cold. Okay, fine, relatively cold. Hahhaa. I am such a Singaporean I swear. Anyway it didn’t help the flu and I went to bed that night trying to breathe and get some sleep. Was wheezing as well. On my first day in India! If I recall correctly, the previous years, I left India sick. Brilliant. I was praying praying praying for that nasty cold to go far far far away. And sneezing every 5 minutes didn’t allow me to have a decent conversation with my cousin, who I see like once in 2 years, so I was irritated.

I was in a rather unfortunate seat in the plane. To my right – 3 semi adventurous Singaporeans, attempting to discover India (they think it’s some place exotic. Wait and see, I felt like telling them). They were all working professionals, so I presume that they are in what, their late 20s? their conversation revolved around the following: getting drunk, going clubbing, discovering the exciting clubbing scene in Bombay…you get the idea. Amazing. I thought this whole clubbing-drinking-I-love-alcohol-and-women was something that we youth would finally outgrow when the girls settled down and the guys started growing pot bellies but it seemed to me that these people were a bit too entrenched into their teenage lives. Sigh. To my left – this group of boisterous Punjabis (I think. North Indians). They were bitchy bitchy bitchy! Bitched about everything in horribly loud voices and they kept yelling to their relatives sitting a few seat away from them. Ugh. Bitched about the delay, the food, the tiny seat, for more alcohol, the fact that they couldn’t find liquor chocolate…I was glad to get out of the plane. But I must be thankful that I wasn’t stuck next to some drunken bald molester. –shudders-

I arrived in India a few days after my grandma’s funeral. My mum’s mum passed away. Coincidentally on the same day as funeral prayers for my grandfather, her husband. Talk about divine intervention. I was not very close to her, so I can’t honestly say that her death affected me in a bad way. I do feel some remorse, although probably not as much as my cousins in India. I saw her last, what, 3 years ago? Probably for a fleeting 5 minutes. And even then, I probably didn’t understand what she was trying to tell me, just smiling and nodding my head as if I pretended to understand what she was saying. It seemed that only my mum could fully comprehend her speech. The stroke had made her hard to understand, her speech was slurred and only those who were consistently around her, and who were familiar with her ways could get what she was saying. To me, India trips were about spending time with cousins and having fun and of course, falling sick (touch wood!). and when I was younger, and much more immature than I am now, I didn’t know how to behave around older people. Hopefully, now I know. Well. I’m happy for patti, that she’s now with thatha. She’s suffered enough. She’s been more or less bedridden since 1995, and being the dutiful daughter that my mum is, she has visited her without fail since then. I think life for patti must have gotten exceptionally tough after her husband passed away. 10 years of suffering finally came to an end. I can’t imagine her pain and discomfort. After all, I am just a little brat of a 19 year old. She’s gone to a better place. And I hope she blesses all of us.

It makes me glad that my mum got to spend some time with her before she passed away. It really affected her when she wasn’t able to attend her dad’s funeral. I was 10 and I remember giving her a hard time because I hadn’t wanted to go to India and I was being selfish and I wasn’t able to realize that she was grieving. I was a little bitch. Amma’s glad that it’s over for patti. She passed away peacefully, thank God. May she rest in peace.

We’re the same everywhere

I have cousins my age only in Hyderabad. In Singapore, they are all grown up and I’m just slightly older than their kids. Hahaha. So going to hyderabad is fun. I had a falling out with one cousin (I honestly don’t remember why) and things got funny between the both of us and I gave any excuse not to go there and stay in their house because conversation was forced and awkward. Oh well. I was only there for a day, and this time I sincerely did wish to extend my stay but I couldn’t – I had to get to Madras asap. I had such a great time. I’ve concluded that teenagers all over the world are exactly the same. Spend a lot of time talking and giggling with a cousin of mine, she’s like a day older than me (but in her 3^rd year of uni. Bah.) and it was sooo fun. To think that I previously thought that my cousins in India would be all good and traditional just cos they’re from India. Boy, am I wrong. =) I’m more thayir saatham than her I swear! I am amazed at the shit that my generation has done. I tell you, if my mother knew…all she says is: ***** is such a sweet boy/girl. Ugh. I can’t help thinking if you only knew. I found it completely ironic that I was the one wearing the pottu, and that I was the one dressed in Indian attire and that I was the one lighting the lamps, that I was the one who made sure that I wore a bit of jewellery so that amma wouldn’t complain. Lol. Irony after irony. She and I got closer over the trip. I hope everything works out for her as she wants it to. =) and I hope she comes for my dance performance on the 29^th. It’ll be nice to see her again.

Oh yes, parents are the same everywhere as well.

It’s a pity that I couldn’t spend more time there. All of amma’s siblings had come down and it was so nice to see all of them – even if it was a sad occasion for a gathering. And it’s a pity that I couldn’t spend more time with the other families. It’s only lately that I’ve begun to appreciate the importance of family. Not just parents, but of aunts, of cousins, of uncles and of grandmums. Maybe next year. My mum doesn’t want to go to hyderabad next year, but I do. Hopefully divya and I can take a trip around parts of India – to goa and to Calcutta and Bombay. And maybe I can spend some time with my periammas as well.

Dance, finally.

I have been a lazy ass. The fats’ been piling up. I can see them. I can feel them. I showed amma my 3 months pregnant looking stomach. She said, chee, asingham. Hahaha. I haven’t danced in more than a week. Bala the boss told me to practice but of course, since I finally had the opportunity to wake up late, I didn’t bother. And now, I have finally started dancing again! Wheee. Hope my knees last. They’re beginning to piss me off again. And me being the very smart anuja, forgot to wear the knee guards. Yikes. I shall have to start:

1. taking my vitamins so I don’t fall sick
2. taking my glucosamine so that I save my knees
3. doing my exercises so that my save my knees
4. drinking more water so that I don’t fall sick and I feel full so I wont eat so much
5. eating more idly and chappati so that I don’t get fat
6. eating less dosai and poori and vadai and fried stuff so that I don’t get fat
7. doing 200 crunches a day so that I can dance better
8. doing 200 crunches a day so that I can lose tabby. I don’t wanna grow too fond of her.

but fuck, I over ate today. My god, I kept getting food forced down my throat. Taboleh tahan la. Eating out everyday…tsk tsk. Amma! Cook please! I beg you. Even if I choose to order upma, its like doused in ghee and oil. Not that it doesn’t taste nice, its deliciousss. But oh SO unhealthy. Sigh. Why is everything bloody drowned in oil here?

yay got practice tmr! Cant wait. =) and those kids are terribly adorable. I love them to bitssssss. Im going to pack one of them in my suitcase and take her back to sg with me!!

On top of that, today had a great shopping trip. =) I bought *drumroll* the saris for my arangetram costumes!! Omg they are gorgeousss. One is yellow, with a red and green border, going to be sewn into a sari type costume. The other is pink (yes pink! And its bright pink too!) with an orange border, like the aa tayar hoja girl’s clothes hahaha. And the last one is a beautiful shade of light bluish greenish. And unlike last year, I got to choose my own saris! I cant help looking at them and feeling so happy. Although amma is still skeptical of what I will look in them but I like them and I’m wearing them, not her so who caressss. I is happy. =)

Panicpanicpanic.

My laptop was doing fine in hyd, we even watched salaam namaste (with cousins giving me translations due to the lack of subtitles) but the minute I unpacked in madras and plugged it in, it said hardware error. I panicked.

Okay, I don’t know much about laoptops or technology in general. But I thought hardware error, omg. Diediedie. What if I lose all my stuff in my laptop? My songs, pics whatever…I expressed my concern to mother darling and she said, oh those aren’t important. I smsed my daddy that I couldn’t switch on my laptop, and that I was scared that I may lose all my stuff and he said, die lor. Too bad. Learn your lesson the hard way.

Ugh.

Talk about them being encouraging. Aren’t they sweet?

Anyway, my periappa decided o send some guy over to have a look at the laptop. He came. He switched in on. It blinked to life. Like wtf? And then he gave me this look that clearly said, ‘are you stupid or are you stupid?’ how embarrassinggg.

Disappointing.

I suck. I shouldn’t be here. This is a waste of money and my time. I cant dance for nuts. I’m going to fuck up on the 29^th. Sigh. I am not putting in enough effort. I must look through my stuff before going to class. If not I’m just wasting my time and sir’s effort. Sigh. I was feeling quite confident but not anymore. And I have a feeling that I’m not going to get enough practice for this thing. In sg, I thought, nvm ill come to India and practice but that’s not happening! So far hes been concentrating on v’s rehearsals, cos her performance is this sat, and I think ill get only 4 to 5 practices which is completely inadequate. I don’t know how im going to pull this off, really.

And besides that, my knee is fucking killing me. My god it was burning today. I hope it thangufies this performance, the fine arts music fest and my arangetram. I cannot get surgery done, that’ll be my end. And I dunno how much the exercises are going to help me. Knee gaurds are proving to be useless, they aggravate the pain I dunno why. I thought, maybe they’re to small cos they seem to be cutting off my blood ciculation.

Ah fuck.

It just didn’t look like upma

My mum’s left for hyd. But daddy’s here! Yay! Haha. But he still can’t get internet connection. Im quite surprised, I haven’t felt the need to go on msn or check my email. Just feel like blogging but can’t do that, can I?

So it’s just me and daddy for the time being, till mum gets back. Amma is paranoid. She stocked a lot of food in the fridge and gave me instructions on what water to drink and how to wash clothes etc etc. when she left at 4 30 am, she told me (again) to take my medicines, to do whatever I must do for my knee and she came back specifically to tell me to smile when I dance. All at 4 30 am. Right.

Poor daddy is sick. =( and he and I didn’t want to eat out (I swear if I go to another saravana bhavan I will cry) so I decided that I was going to cook! All hail instant upma mix. Amma said, just follow the instructions. I did. Unfortunately, it looked like mush. And when I tried to demush it by letting it cook somemore, it burnt, a teeny bit. And I ambitiously decided that upma cannot be plain, must eat vegetables since I have been told that veggies are good for you. After inspecting the fridge, I realized that we only had ladies finger, beans, cauliflower, cucumber, cabbage and carrot. Not the usual upma ingredients. But me being the heck care cook, decided that upma with ladies finger, beans, cabbage (to substitute onions) would do. But well. It just ended up giving upma some colour. Hahaha. But daddy darling said it wasn’t that bad, but it was quite tasteless. I thank him for being so nice about my –ahem- cooking.

Ive spent a lot of time at gayathri akka’s place. Going for classes, eating lunch and dinner at their place, shopping, talking nonsense at night and not sleeping and not waking up in the morning…I miss them, akka, sir and the kids. I’m going to have hamsa and mayura withdrawal symptoms when go back to Singapore. =(

.....

This can’t be put into words. The feeling is even worse than heartbreak. I will honestly kill myself if I’m unable to dance. My knees are fucking killing me. I would have thought that one week of no dancing, and good rest would give my knees adequate rest and recuperation so that I’ll be prepared to kill them during my 2 full rehearsals and then the performance. But. The pain is back. It hurts like fuck. And I haven’t danced in a week. I haven’t done anything that is physically strenuous in a week. So why does it hurt so bad? Even when sitting down, I can feel the pain. It’s as if im arthritic. Its swelling I think. That is NOT a good sign. I can feel it. It’s not right. Its never been this bad, honestly.

I know the only solution to the injury is to rest but that doesn’t seem likely. I thought about it, I can forgo the fine arts music festival. Got an arangaetram coming up. Must save my legs for that. Must do arangetram. If not, no point in learning, performing, spending so much of my time and money and sacrificing my grades and not going overseas to study. Everything will fuck up. I’ll have no purpose.

So how?

Pray that they will be alright. Till the 30^th. Till my arangetram. Please god.